Dear World,
I need you to help me. I need you to show me how to show my best friend that his life is worth living. To show him that pain and depression and loneliness are not the only things in his life. That there are people that love him and care about him and want a full and happy life for him.
He believes that his pain is his and all his. He says he's learnt to be okay with disappointing people. He believes he's become good at being lonely. That he can cope. But I think he's just scared. Scared of the unknown - as well all are. But not knowing who he'll be in the future scares him to retreat.
To be honest, I don't know what to do or what to say to him.
I never do.
I don't know whether I want to change his mind or I need him to change his mind. I'm just as scared or what the future may hold for me or for him. What if he gets better and then it's me he doesn't need?
When I left Victor I was so scared. I was scared of who I'd be without him. I was scared that if I left him, I'd lose my dreams too. That leaving him would take away my love for theatre. I fought for him for so long because I was so so deeply scared. And it wasn't until months, almost a year later, that I learnt what you wanted me to know: that as much as I tried to pretend to be happy and to please other people, there's no feeling that compares to truly being happy. I feel that now somedays, quietly, alone, walking home from school. My life isn't perfect but I can say without a doubt I know what it means to be truly happy with myself. And when I look back at myself, I know I kept the essential parts of me and I left those that hurt me behind.
When you took Al from me - from us - I finally understood. Al knew what it meant to live life to the fullest - how to live without regret and how to love himself in order to love others and he had so much love to give. But it wasn't until I lost him that I realised how important it was for me to love myself. I struggled so much through my first year of school, I was kind to people, I laughed but I couldn't connect with my classmates on that deeper level of friendship. I just didn't have the love to give. I was so focussed on myself that I couldn't see how much I was keeping everyone at arms length. Losing Al made me realise that you can't just be kind to people, you have to love people. That's when you truly see the goodness and the light in this world. People are strange and beautiful creatures and are worth loving and being loved. I don't want to live with regrets I want to love and love fully. But how do I show him that feeling is something worth having?
Now, now you've left me alone for a while. Shown me that I'm not quite ready to love someone else yet not when I have so many people in my life already who need that love. And I am okay with that because I don't feel lonely when they're around.
I am the least lonely when I'm talking to him.
And maybe that's selfish of me to want him to be where I am, to be able to laugh and smile and love people with me. I can't bear to see him in pain and maybe that's selfish of me too. But I believe that he can live without it. I need him to live without it. I know he's scared of who he'll be and what he'll want when he gets better but I don't see a way he can't be the same person I love without the pain. He is so inherently good and full of love to give. He can have so much joy and good feeling for people. So much excitement for his life ahead that I can't see a way where he doesn't come out successful and really truly happy.
I have this picture of us: old, world-worn, adventures done and stored away in photo albums and tall tales, sitting in rocking chairs, blankets over our rickety knees, tea in hand laughing at some stupid - probably over vigorous - thing we tried to do (have a race with our walkers possibly and fail miserably - he probably tripped on his own slippers). I want that. Selfish as it may be, I want my best friend around until I'm old and grey and it scares me more than anything that one day this thing will take him. That he might just give up. Or the pain becomes too much for his heart. Or the loneliness.
I honestly don't know what to do. I want him to get the help that I can't give him. I'm not quite yet whole either. I don't think I can bear to see him hurt this way.
Please World, show me what to do.
Yours
Faithfully
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